"As my situation changed and the time tumbled on, a small part of me was terrified, truly terrified to not to hurt over someone I once loved, anymore. My flawed logic as it played out over the last 12 months was this: As bad as the pain of losing the man I loved was, I wanted him to be in my life in any capacity. Even if my role was to be that of the unrequited lover, I would take it and this meant that he would be in my heart (albeit, in the most painful of ways) and I could continue maintaining his presence more there then if I were to fully close the chapter of this love and move on.

I burrowed myself deeply into my own emotions and existed in a comfortable state of sadness for a little over a year, a place that in the dark, I could feel my way around it’s raw edges, and I grew to know this space quite well. But, both recently and rather suddenly, I realized that I am mourning, and truthfully, felt a panic at the possibility.

I think the funny thing about this emotion is that in terms of relationships, everyone wants to control something so they can feel sure about it. Since the last thing we can ever manage is that of the heart and emotions of another person, we are stuck with the crazy depths of our own minds to perceive life as we conceive it to be.

I have a hard time with the loss of romantic love simply because much of the time, it means the loss of your best friend as well."